During my time in San Diego I was faced with a difficult emotional challenge. The feelings I experienced were rooted in the fact that I let myself get emotionally attached to another human being, in this case being in love and then realizing that my desire to live a romantic relationship with that person is not compatible at this current moment in my life with the commitments and priorities I have set for myself.
At the same time when going through the process of realizing we were going to choose different paths, I was also confronted with the fact that we are both at very different stages of our personal development in life. Coming to terms with the reality that our principles and values in life just do not synergize, but rather clash pretty heavily, was one of the toughest experiences I had to go through this summer.
I opened my heart again to that one person, who has been a part of my life for the past four years. She recently moved to the US in July 2011, and eventually to San Diego in August, moving in with me.
As a result of her being in a difficult situation, I opened up my home to help her and support her to get back on her feet. Unfortunately, after facing the reality of the situation that eventually I would be leaving to return to London, her living with me turned into a painful situation. The more I acknowledged that my feelings for her are still very strong, and knowing that I wouldn’t be with her for much longer, hurt me very much. I had to admit to myself that I had certain expectations, certain hopes which did not get fulfilled. I could have seen this happening beforehand, but my longing for her presence in my life was just too strong, consequently moving myself into a vulnerable position.
Nevertheless I believe that only through these experiences, especially in my young years, I am able to learn, to reflect, to mature and hopefully become a wiser character. Whatever happens, it is important not to close yourself and your heart from experiencing love, because love is what moves us into new and powerful spheres of experiencing the full meaning of life (heights and depths). What is the purpose of life if you cannot feel these wonderful vibrations, flows of energy – such warmth and cold – felt through all our senses.
LOVE HURTS AT TIMES – a glimpse into my emotional state of mind at the end of August in San Diego:
“How am I feeling right now…its hard to put into words, but after what I experienced in the last two weeks, I am going through an immense emotional turmoil. It feels like a mixture of anger, a deep sadness, frustration, loneliness and just plain and simple shock after having had to face the reality of my relationship with her. I feel used, I feel taken advantage of, and I feel like I am too kind-hearted to say no, to set appropriate emotional boundaries to protect my own personal well-being, my heart. I feel alone, all by myself, having to deal with reality, with the fact that I need to finally bring this to a closure, to move on and find inner peace again.
For the past two and a half years I have been burying my true feelings inside of me, holding on to a hope that one day I might be able to feel this illusive high again, a level of happiness that cannot be expressed other than through deep intimate love.
I feel heavy, something is pulling me down from within, the weight of so many emotions inside of me is taking away my strengths, it’s slowly eating away my inner power of hopefulness, optimism and joy. I feel so sad, so hurt, so disappointed, it is becoming too much to bare. I wish I could cry and let it all out, but I have not been able to do so yet. I need to relieve this inner tension that is killing me from inside. I must accept reality and let go, cleaning myself from within, getting ready to move on to new possibilities in life, a new love, one that fills my life with light, pure honest and authentic love….
For me being faced with a desperate situation shows a persons true character. When I asked her to respect my feelings, and wait until I leave before meeting someone new, she chose to do it anyway, and it crushed my heart. Eventually I reached a point where I had to ask her to move out, because the situation was making me very very sad.
I still love her very much, I have a very special connection with her. what I saw is that she is not ready to be with me, and I don’t know if she ever will be. I know, I need to finally find a way to let her go and move on in my life. Being such a selfless and giving character who only sees the good in people and believes in the power of forgiveness, also makes me vulnerable. Maybe the lesson I am missing here is the need to learn to appreciate myself more. Not to sell myself short. To learn to set and enforce my personal boundaries and stand up for my principles. Put my own well-being first.”
I recently stumbled upon some notes I wrote down a couple of years ago, which I titled “My principles for loving relationships”. Reading this today made me reflect on the circumstances I experienced at the time I wrote these words, and I felt like sharing this with you.
When entering a relationship with another human being I embrace to:
– love my partner completely and with all my heart
– be open and share myself and my heart with my partner
– share myself physically, emotionally and spiritually
– be honest, open, trustful and reliable
– be faithful and committed
– be there for my partner always without hesitation
– be there to lean on and listen
– stand up for my partner and protect her in any situation
– show my love whenever I possibly can
– take good care of myself and support my partner in every way possible
– forgive and let go, because everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect
– accurately identify and express my own feelings
I commit to not:
– cheat (physically or emotionally)
– keep secrets / hide something
– say something and not stick to my word
– say I am fine if I am not
– not make time for my love
– not answer calls or not open the door
– avoid conversations to hide from confrontation
– leave my partner behind
These are my principles and they apply to me as an essential part of my character, my personality, my being. I cherish these ideals and I truly deserve someone who honours the same commitments. Striving towards them as a guidance towards being the best you can be in any situation.
If that is not the case than I have to make a decision to protect myself and not settle for anything less than I deserve. I keep my dignity by being the best individual I can be for myself, my family, my friends and my love one and by walking away before I lose myself.
I am beginning to realize that I have a lot of suppressed emotions and fears inside of me that limit me in doing the things I want and restrain me in having the things in my life that are most important to me.
Some of these barriers are a strong fear of commitment, a fear of getting hurt and fear of being rejected. These fears show that I am holding back until I know its safe and there are no risks, and things will definitely work out, and I can’t get hurt or disappointed, etc.
But in reality it is impossible in life to always be protected, and save, and you cannot control everything. So if I always play it save and do not commit to anything before I know I am save, I wont experience life fully. I will miss out on so many possibilities and opportunities that make life worth living.
And I am beginning to realize that even though I always said to my partner that I am ready to commit 100%, I never really did commit to her and I realize that I am not ready right now at this moment in time. Look at my life – I am traveling, exploring, going from one place to the next. I am not really committing to anything that restrains my freedom…
And my actions speak louder than words. I decided that my education is my priority and I left South Africa, even though it was one of the happiest times in my life. I left my partner, even though she was the first true love of my life. And throughout all the time I have been in London, I have never been able to deal with the emotional consequences of that decision. I left my heart with her, I left my heart in South Africa. And instead of clearly making a decision, clearly making a commitment, I buried my emotions deep inside of me, and kept holding on to the idea that one day, if I wait long enough and am patient, I will experience the same happiness again, holding on to that one person.
Where I stand right now, my priorities in life, and the given circumstances, I do not see how I can be with her. If I keep on living in the illusion that it is possible to sustain a committed relationship across country borders over the long-term, I think I am being naive, and experience has taught me that. I know missing her, not knowing when I can hold her in my arms again has made me sad for a long time, and instead of dealing with the situation, I suppressed all emotions deep inside, running away from making a tough decision.
I cannot ignore the lies that she has spoken, I can forgive her, but it does not change the fact that I cannot accept dishonesty. I know I am not perfect, and I do wrong every day. But for me to find true happiness and for a chance of true intimacy, we must respect each others values and believes.
This is a song, which lyrics reflect the thoughts and emotional mindset, that I have been attached to for the last 2 1/2 years of my life. Longing for and desperately holding on to a feeling of love that I experienced with a very special person in my life in my past. Fighting to hold on to the past, and consequently hindering myself from fully embracing the present.
Below you find a poem on love, kindly send to me by my aunt Maria Jakesch:
Khalil Gibran – The Prophet
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.